अत्यंत्त प्रसंन्त्ता

अत्यंत्त प्रस्संता "atyantt prasanta" means overwhelming happiness, something that i havent experienced since long..i am happy..but i for some strange reason the atyantt prasantta stage is long due..something that is less spoken and more felt..happiness which is the perfect combination of satisfaction and joy..rather satisfaction..joy and a direct reflection of an event which just occurred.alright, so taking it one at a time.. joy..i am generally jovial..i mean i dont have much to worry about..the smaller things in life do make me worry about them..but im not sure if completion of them would make me that happy..then there is work..my job..which with the grace of god..is going smooth..smooth..more like a steady sttraight line..without any bumps..something that my friend was talking about yesterday..a job very bland.. lacking all the masala aka challenges and uphill tasks..something that would make that line go up or down..but then again..doing good work is not the source of happiness..maybe satisfaction..but then i leave the other two untouched.. direct reflection of an event..well the next big one would be my parents visit..which is in about a month.. but again..then it would be all joy... offlate i have learned that not everything is controlled by me..and that i should not be trying to predict the future..no matter how much information i have.. i have some idea of it..but i would rather keep it for a future post..when it really happens...that way i can try putting it in words then..which im sure would be a huge challenge.. जय श्री राम ॥

sunday night insomnia

heard and read a lot about sunday being the most depressing day in a workers life as the last day of joy and monday being the first day of the week. but in my case its a little different. all week i am happy with my work, i like the weekdays, they keep me busy and i really like my job.. so all is good there, sunday night is when i tend to have weird depressing thoughts about my life...depressing as in running a check on my life and what i have done with it..this week..this month..this year.. i am not disappointed with this behaviour of mine because its nice that i keep a check on my status and know whats right and wrong..but why sunday night..maybe because i am busy the whole week..and then all weekend..till saturday...with friends..with people around me i can talk to..keeping me busy..but then comes sunday when nobody wants to do anything..just sit back and relax..maybe because i dont have much to do.. maybe..hehe..because i am single and my other friends are busy spending quality time with their loved ones..its 1am and i am not sleepy..infact there have been times when i have had a strong urge to get up and go to the office to avoid that awkward moment of thoughts..i was going to write this post last week..but ended up just lying on the bed fighting my thoughts till 4 am..wow..that was weird..i must have logged on and off the computer several times that night...my first thought about this was the absence of peace of mind..maybe something that i am missing..something that should give me sleepless nights..but is not..the solution for that..i thought i wasnt really giving the job search all my might..so some sunday nights.. i just spend browsing websites and applying for jobs..today..i have nothing..nothing except insomnia..and a pile of clothes i just took out from the drier..i have done my homework..i checked my email for work.. i went through my work computer for any new jobs assigned to me..i see nothing..its funny.. but this is the kind of feeling i used to get when discussing the feeling of "falling in love" with a friend..i think i can call it"being helpless"..because i could never decode that feeling.. i know its there..but im not sure what to do with it now..with love..its about expressing it i guess...here..its about solving it..in both cases.. how do you know if what you are experiencing is what you think it is..im not confused..just a little over curious about both..anyways..the best part about it..is that i dont experience it for another week...nevertheless.. जो भी होता है आचे के लए होता है ॥ जय श्री राम ॥

random thoughts

the other day my friend introduced me to this colleague of his who was to share our apartment for a week.. we got talking and i asked him about his work and personal life.. since he was living with us now..i asked him if he was married..then i commented on the fact that he is a happy man..he has a wife..a companion in a lonely place like this..especially for someone who just came aboard..one thing led to another..and i asked him if his wife knew how to cook..to my surprise his reply was "obviously she knows how to cook..she is a housewife"..my respect score for him dropped about 40 points when he said that..and i decided to tell him that he was talking like a chauvinist male.. she is a woman..she has to know how to cook..what kind of statement is that..its almost like "he is a guy he should know about cars".. i wont say much about it..but it was pretty sad to know that there are people who live in their own "default" world..i resisted not talking more about it..because i realised he has probably passed the learning stage and was now in his own world..also, off late i have stopped giving gyaan to people i think would not appreciate it..rather accept or deny it... ------ offlate, i have realised.. i although am a slow learner..tend to judge people by the tiny things they do..i might change my perspective as i learn about them..but that first verdict..always sticks to my mind..good or bad..i find myself going back to that first impression everytime..its almost magical how i find a way to relate everything good or bad to that firs decision.. i havent yet found a way to know if this is good or bad..i guess i am more of the first impression is the "first image" kind of person..the image can blur..the image can have more images piled up on it..but it would be a huge pile for it to be lost..and a pile of things opposite in nature to the first image.. ------- i had posted an entry sometime back about fear..and how it stops us from doing anything wrong..how the fear of falling from a cliff makes us stop walking and turn around.. i wonder if there is a check on our behavior and on our reactions that would let us know when to stop..if i am really upset over something..and am in a "good" argument with another person who does not think the same way..i tend to break all barriers..professional or personal..to know why he is right..and i am wrong..and very often..in this argument..i reach a place where i stand as open as a harbor gate..and the other as a ship hesitant to dock.. i need an indicator..something that can let me know that the ship does not want to dock because it fears the cargo would be exposed to the world.. maybe then i can give the ship some assurance that it wont be done..a simple check and the ship would be back in the open ocean.. i seriously do know why i used ships and docks here..nevertheless..the search for an indicator is on.. जय श्री राम ॥

me help YOU = you HELP ME

the big talk

i talk a lot, i talk about everything, and when you talk to me, i could easily give you the impression of being the best guy you can talk to about your issue, but quite frankly, i sometimes am not. i am not somebody who is doing everything right, i am not somebody who is doing things my way..even if its "my way".. i got my car inspection done from the dmv today, i have been driving my car for about 2 years now without a valid inspection sticker on it..everytime i passed a cop car, or was driving over the speed limit, i would have be worried about a cop stopping me and giving me a ticket not just for the speed but the fact that i was driving an unfit car..not that now i have a legit car..i can break the rules but i realised, all this time..i was deprioritising, what i always think my first priority is "peace of mind"..all because i could not afford it.. i could not afford to get my car fixed, i could not afford a pair of new suspensions or get my emergency brake fixed..things that werent just essential for the inspection but also for my safety in case of a mishap.. this lead me to thinking about all those people who in stages of their life decide to put money before peace of mind.. i remember telling this friend of mine that i have had sleepless nights because i was not at peace..today, i have no reason to justify all the good night sleeps that i have had for the past years i have been here..i was so preoccupied with the other things in life..i never gave importance to the inner me..there has never been a day that i have driven back from work and have not thought about driving illegally, but i reach home, and i am good..that is all i want the car to do.. take me home safely..every night.. i am a little confused..i am writing this today, because now onwards i would rather not judge anybody at first sight.. i would not look at the driver next to me and go "he has a dent on his car..why cant these people save some money and get it fixed..all they have to do..is not party one weekend and that would do it for them"..i have to stop doing that..there are certain rules in life that i follow..and they change..adapt..to the situation they are used in..after all.. i think it is pretty hard to make a golden rule for life..atleast for me..today i drive a car which has a huge dent on the right side..almost on the door..again something i think about whenever i offer my friends a ride in the car.. if i get it fixed..one less thing i have to worry about..but then i guess it is about prioritizing things that really bother you..things that really steal you sleep..and that dent..has not reached that line yet..so it sits there every time when my friends talk about it..the good part..it comes up then..comes up pretty close to the line..and then goes back to its original place..maybe that is what was happening to my inspection sticker issue..it never reached the line..but today when i have taken care of it..i can sit back and let the race go on for a little more time..with the slow runners..anyways..the inspection is done..and now i can drive my car without any fear of being caught for something other than my driving..which..by the way.. i am very proud of..i would like to thank god..for being with me..all this time..जय श्री राम ॥